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 Uber Edit Time =D

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PostSubject: Re: Uber Edit Time =D   Sun Jun 17, 2012 8:49 am

Okay, then! MrGreen


But first I must figure out how the investigation in Priantos' storyline's gonna happen. Here's a rough timeline (what I need help with is marked with *'s):

-King visits Aari'ji in secret; ranged assassination attempt on arrival (using gun (Iga'ji tech)); assassin escapes/disappears.
-King has meeting with Aari'ji ministry regarding threat of Iga'ji invasion on the Jay'ji, then leaves early.
-King arrives back in Valdin, where he is debriefed by the Order (book starts here); it is decided that there must be spies (no other explanation as to how the assassin knew of the king's secret visit to Aari); the Iga'ji is suspected.
-*Somehow a spy must be discovered. This one will use his suicide device and the Order will discover - in the form of bodily modifications - striking similarities between the man and the Brotherhood of Shjerr'dull, which the Order had eradicated (or so they thought) a century ago
-Investigation.
-A senator falls to his death from the White Tower (which is the new name for the palace); this specific senator would have spoken out against the Greyskin instability of the north-western provinces and was assassinated by the Brotherhood to confuse the Order and move suspicions to the north-western Greyskins (I'll explain this whole back story in a moment)
-Investigation.
-*A second spy is captured alive and is forced to give helpful information; this is the one who's later killed by Lash'irr.
-The annual inter-provincial Quabble finals takes place in Valdin, which the king is obligated to attend. The aforementioned spy hinted at an assassination attempt at this time. Priantos manages to stop a shooter on the roof. He tries to question the man, but realizes too late that he'd used the suicide device (with exceptionally quick hands) when Priantos stopped him. Meanwhile, at the king's private seating in the stadium, one of the king's personal guards (and a Brotherhood agent) realizes (the Brotherhood have "Shadow links" with one another, something I came up with looooong ago, but somehow have never implemented or mentioned before) what has happened and takes backup action, swiftly drawing his sword, killing the other guard in the immediate proximity and going for the king. Luckily, Tiard (whom the agent had counted on not to act, as Tiard was also a Brotherhood member) steps in and kills the man before his blade reaches the king, saving the day (Tiard would tell the Brotherhood that he did what he did to keep his cover and draw suspicious away from him).
-The second agent is killed by Lash'irr
-There should also somewhere be a scene(s) of Lash'irr at the Brotherhood headquarters in Acanthos' burial chamber.
-*Something happens that shows the Order that there is still a spy.
-*(This might be the aforementioned event unless you can think of something better (this is gonna happen anyway)) A sneak (a child hired a spy on someone, steal something, etc.) is caught in the headquarters of the Order trying to smuggle out some piece of evidence or something OR elsewhere trying to pickpocket or having pickpocketed evidence or something from an Order member or whatever. She says she was hired by a man in the Under City and gives the Order the location she was supposed to give the item(s)/information/whatever to the man.
-*The Order follows this lead and lefts the girl return to the man with whatever she was supposed to bring him, following her to him out of sight. The man is somehow alerted of their presence and flees into the Under City but takes the girl with him. That pursuit happens, only instead of capturing the man, he manages to stop Priantos from getting to him (Tiard's accidental intoxication scene still happens. There are also more Order members in this scene now, but they're held up by Tiard and the falling crates at this stage) by threatening to dump the girl in the raging waters of the Under City canals (huge storm-drains - I built these on Minecraft, so I'll show you soon), along with the evidence the girl was meant to deliver to him (if it even was evidence). The man laughs at Priantos for his soft heart and they have that whole Shadow/Jaylen/Jin discussion (that Priantos had with the first agent captured alive in the first incarnation of Priantos' story in the book). The other Order members in the chase scene arrive just after this and the man leaps with the girl into the water. Priantos instinctively dives in afterwards and manages to save the girl without drowning and is saved by another Order member who uses his/her cloak as a rope that Priantos grabs hold of. The man disappears (with the evidence or whatever) and is presumed dead, though his body is never found.
-*It is now very clear that there must be a mole in the Order. Priantos and Jer'ij work together to subtly plant stories (which is what I need help with; each story needs to cause a different effect if it gets out to the Brotherhood) with each of the Order members. Alternatively, Priantos recognizes a ring one one of the Order members' fingers that was also worn by the last agent (and that Priantos, going back to the previous agents, finds was worn by all of them. Tiard would then later show that he possessed the same item in Jin. I use the word "ring" very loosely, as its basically just a red-black gem possessed by all of them, but as rings, necklaces, piercings, etc.). By doing either of these, they discover a female Order member that started with the Order with Tiard is the mole (the Brotherhood isn't just made of men (minus Lash'irr) anymore) and confronts her. She tries to commit suicide (though doesn't have a suicide device, as that would be too risky), but is stopped and taken in for interrogation. Tiard is the one who arrests here and secretly and briefly tells her to tell the Order everything except that there are any more agents in the Order or about the Brotherhood's real connection with the Shadow. She tells them everything, including the location of the Brotherhood's hideout in the main burial chamber.
-The Order wastes no time getting to the burial chamber, but they're too late. The agents are gone, leaving only an opened sarcophagus and something missing from Acanthos' corpse's grasp. (Also, I semi-figured it out now. The piece of evidence the sneak girl was supposed to get the Brotherhood was a key to the sarcophagus that one of the killed or captured agents had in their possession. Dunno why they'd need a sneak to acquire it for them, though...)
-Jer'ij (having been kept up to date with the whole Jin thing by Priantos) assigns Tiard and Priantos to travel to Jin as fast as possible - disguised as common travelers - in order to stop whatever the Brotherhood were planning. The rest of the book happens. The end.

And here's a list of changes so far:
-Valdin is more epic.
-None of the Brotherhood agents are based in the Outer City anymore. That made no sense, anyway.
-There's a lot less blind luck involved in the investigation. They actually investigate now.
-The investigation in Valdin now takes up both part one and two or the book, as apposed to just part one, and the journey to Jin will now fill only part three, as not much more will be happening on the journey.
-*Priantos isn't going to do that whole sneaking-through-the-palace and listening in to a meeting with the king thing anymore, as that's completely unnecessary now. I still want to put that meeting in somewhere, but I don't know where... (I thought perhaps it could rather be a senate gathering, but I can't think of a scenario where Priantos or Lash'irr would be required to or happen to attend/listen in on one of those.
-Priskas now transmit their messages electro-radiopathically (at very close range), just like how the Svia'ji use the Kawsun plants.
-The Brotherhood are now known in obscure myth, legend and history and have experienced some overhauling. They are no longer Iga'ji agents, but agents of the Shadow (who also happens to control the Iga'ji). Some male members also have one of their penises (which are, in Zen'ji anatomy, extendable and retractable by will) replaced with a long metal spike which acts as a hidden weapon. I've spared Tiard from this, as the surgery must take place in the male's adolescent years to work.

And a list of Brotherhood agents (possibilities included) in Valdin and the present involvement of each:
-Tiard (infiltrated the Order; double agent for the Oijah'ji (I maybe want a new name for the Oijah, as the double "j" doesn't sound good)
-Lash'irr (co-overseer; daughter of Iga'ji emperor; double agent for Oijah)
-Khazor (head overseer)
-Shivazz (the guy who fakes his own death and who addresses Priantos at Jin)
-Hylla (infiltrated the Order; only other female member of the Brotherhood so far; caught)
-The assassin who tries to shoot the king at the Quabble finals (suicide)
-One of the king's personal guards (the one who served as backup at the Quabble finals assassination attempt; killed by Tiard)
-[Possible] A secretary at the senate (possible first or second agent discovered)
-[Possible] A senator (who would only be revealed at the end of the second book / start of third book)
-[Possible] A historian at the university (would've helped acquire the key of Acanthos' tomb; Priantos will now ask this guy about the Jaylen, Brotherhood, etc. instead of that librarian woman; possible first or second agent discovered; alternately, he may not be a Brotherhood member, but the one from whom the key is stolen / stops the sneak-girl from stealing it)
-[Possible] A domestic servant of the royal family (possible first or second agent discovered)
-[Possible] A high-ranking Enforcer (possible first or second agent discovered)
-[Possible] A guy working at the Priska station who would, for example, keep informed about goings on in the nation using the "mail" received (possible first or second agent discovered)
-[Possible] Jer'ij's wife (possible first or second agent discovered)
-[Possible] The son of the king least likely to be the next monarch (will play a role in books II & III, if added, so shouldn't be caught (or maybe even revealed) in the first book)
-We could also use them all and just reveal the identities of those not needed for the first book in the other two.
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PostSubject: Re: Uber Edit Time =D   Tue Jun 19, 2012 6:44 pm

Sounds considerably more epic. Quite good, quite good... So what do I help with?
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PostSubject: Re: Uber Edit Time =D   Wed Jun 20, 2012 7:35 am

Please help me solve all issues marked with the *'s. Especially these two:

Quote :
-*Somehow a spy must be discovered. This one will use his suicide device and the Order will discover - in the form of bodily modifications - striking similarities between the man and the Brotherhood of Shjerr'dull, which the Order had eradicated (or so they thought) a century ago

*Snip*

-*A second spy is captured alive and is forced to give helpful information; this is the one who's later killed by Lash'irr.

I don't know who those two spies should be or how they'll be found out. Use the list of possible spies I posted to help with this. Hopefully you'll come up with something (or at least help me come up with something) because I can't... -____-
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PostSubject: Re: Uber Edit Time =D   Tue Jun 26, 2012 5:02 pm

Hmm... Well, the first spy shouldn't have too important of a place in Valdin, seeing as it'd be better for them to find out there are just spies before realizing how much they've been infiltrated. I think the guy at the Priska station would be neat, especially since I'd like to have Priantos visit the place as I want to see what it's all about.

No idea how'd they'd catch him. Suspicious about him tearing open people's letters and reading them or something, I dunno. Search him and question him and, oh my, what a nice suicide and bodily modification thingies you have there. I dunno.

Oh, and sorry 'bout my long absence there. Went to Washington DC. Was interesting. Saw the Space Shuttle Discovery and the Enola Gay.
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PostSubject: Re: Uber Edit Time =D   Wed Jun 27, 2012 7:44 am

Absence forgiven. And that sounds epic.


Your ideas make sense. Yay.
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PostSubject: Re: Uber Edit Time =D   Wed Jun 27, 2012 9:19 am

Woohoo, my ideas make sense!
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PostSubject: Re: Uber Edit Time =D   Wed Jun 27, 2012 11:32 am

Awesomeness

Actually, wait. Why would they suspect someone at the post office? How would said person know of the king's secret mission?

I agree that the first agent discovered shouldn't be holy-crap-worthy, but it should be someone the most obvious... In other others, someone who would've known or been able to figure out about the king's secret, but not someone above clearance or close to the king. In fact, I think I just figured it out...

Soon after the king's return, one of the Palace servants (though they wouldn't have had clearance to learn of the assassination attempt, some may have overheard) reports another one who'd been acting suspiciously (over listening secret meetings, snooping around the king's quarters, being alone a lot, etc.). This one is pursued by the Order, but uses the suicide device. It'll be a fairly young man who'll (upon closer examination) have had the bodily modifications (have I explained these?) characteristic of the Brotherhood, but will also be a north-born greyskin, the latter of which will be initially prevalent (until after the autopsy).

Sorry to have dumped your idea for this. Still wanna implement it, though. Showing how the Priska network works would be cool.


Oh, and I don't think I've explained the "north-western Greyskins" thing yet. Remember when I explained the clans? Valiero is mainly Jia'eill (I'm too lazy for fancy letters atm), but their north-western provinces (north of Shin (I think that's what the place was called) and on the border to the Tita'ji) have a Jia'khell history (therefor Greyskins) and have pretty much always wanted independence, but have never actually risen up to do so (aside from a few isolated incidents). The Brotherhood is pretty much gonna seem to try pinning the assassination thing on the Greyskins, but will actually have the agenda of enlightening the Order (well, Priantos, really) to what's really going on while letting the Valiero'ji think it's Greyskin-related (the Brotherhood want to start a civil war in the Valiero'ji to make them easier to conquer for the Iga'ji).



(And holy crap. I got Linkin Park's new album (Living Things). It's amazing (but certainly not old LP).)
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PostSubject: Re: Uber Edit Time =D   Thu Jun 28, 2012 6:41 am

Mmh, that makes more sense. I think you explained the bodily modifications. Something about knives replacing their reproductive organs.

'Tis fine to dump my idea. Although it would be neat to see it implemented. Would we have the Priska guy being the spy who Lash'irr kills or have it be somebody else? Although that would still leave the problem as to why they are suspicious of him/her/it. Brotherhood agents would've had to act on something that they could only know about by reading the mail before they'd be suspicious.

Oh, that'll make things interesting. Greyskins.

OH, AND APPARENTLY TODAY IS INTERNATIONAL CAPS LOCK DAY
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PostSubject: Re: Uber Edit Time =D   Thu Jun 28, 2012 9:21 am

Not knives, skewers (big metal spikes, to be precise). Knives would be... ugly.

Yeah, I suppose the postal guy could be the first agent captured alive. But how would he be found out..? Thought

They were inspired by the Stormcloaks of Skyrim (mislead rebels, in other words). Smile

INTERESTING.
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PostSubject: Re: Uber Edit Time =D   Thu Jun 28, 2012 11:28 am

Aha. Skewers.

Mmh. I have no bloody idea. Heh.

Aha. Heh, I always sided with the Imperials.

I KNOW, RIGHT?
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PostSubject: Re: Uber Edit Time =D   Thu Jun 28, 2012 12:55 pm

Hmmm... I'll probably figure something out. Maybe...
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PostSubject: Re: Uber Edit Time =D   Fri Jun 29, 2012 12:32 pm

Mmh... Well, best of luck.
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PostSubject: Re: Uber Edit Time =D   Sat Jun 30, 2012 2:14 am

Okay, new Part 1 timeline:

-King arrives back in Valdin, where he is debriefed by the Order (book starts here); it is decided that there must be spies (no other explanation as to how the assassin knew of the king's secret visit to Aari); the Iga'ji is suspected.
-Palace servant who overhears of the investigation reports another palace servant who'd been acting suspiciously (over listening secret meetings, snooping around the king's quarters, being alone a lot, etc.).
-Aforementioned turns out to be a spy and is pursued, but uses his suicide. The man is a greyskin, so the Greycrest Rebellion (north-western greyskins) is initially suspected. The Order discovers after an autopsy on the man, however, striking similarities between the man and the Brotherhood of Shjerr'dull (in the form of bodily modifications), which the Order had eradicated (or so they thought) a century prior.
-Elsewhere, Lash'irr arrives in Valdin.

-A senator falls to his death from the White Tower (which is the new name for the palace); this specific senator would have spoken out against the Greyskin instability of the north-western provinces and was assassinated by the Brotherhood to confuse the Order and further move suspicions to the north-western Greyskins.
-*Something about an incriminating letter related to said senator leads the Order to the Priska station (postal centre) in Valdin.
-Priantos visits the Priska Station; a Greyskin letter sorter runs for it; Priantos apprehends the man and stops him from using the suicide device.
-Man is interrogated and reveals a second assination attempt on the King to take place at the annual inter-provincial Quabble finals in Valdin, which the king is obligated to attend.
-The king decides, against the wishes of the Order and his advisors, to attend the Finals and act as bait. Priantos manages to stop a shooter on the roof (again a greyskin); he tries to question the man, but realizes too late that he'd used the suicide device (with exceptionally quick hands) when Priantos stopped him. Meanwhile, at the king's private seating in the stadium, one of the king's personal guards (and a Brotherhood agent) realizes (the Brotherhood have "Shadow links" with one another, something I came up with looooong ago, but somehow have never implemented or mentioned before) what has happened and takes backup action, swiftly drawing his sword, killing the other guard in the immediate proximity and going for the king. Luckily, Tiard (whom the agent had counted on not to act, as Tiard was also a Brotherhood member) steps in and kills the man before his blade reaches the king, saving the day (Tiard would tell the Brotherhood that he did what he did to keep his cover and draw suspicious away from him).
-The first agent caught alive, now awaiting execution, is killed by Lash'irr in the prison.
-Something happens to show that there are still agents in the city (possible the aforementioned death).
-A scene(s) somewhere of Lash'irr at the Brotherhood headquarters in Acanthos' burial chamber meeting up with the other agents.


Last edited by TemporalV01D on Sat Jun 30, 2012 6:02 am; edited 1 time in total
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PostSubject: Re: Uber Edit Time =D   Sat Jun 30, 2012 5:17 am

Sounds good. Woooh!

On to the *'s. Agents still in the city. Well, having their imprisoned agent being killed would be enough, wouldn't it? I mean, what does the Order think happened there? Killed himself, killed by another Agent to keep him silent, not really many other ways he'd die, I think. How does she kill him, anyway?
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PostSubject: Re: Uber Edit Time =D   Sat Jun 30, 2012 6:00 am

She kills him the same way she currently does in the book. In other words, I don't remember. And point taken. Thanks, I probably wouldn't have thought of that. Smile

The *'s in the new Part 1 timeline are the points of focus now, starting with the "incriminating letter". A letter is the only thing I can think of that would link the senator's death with the Priska station. However, I don't know what the content of the letter should be or how it would lead the investigation to the Priska station. I don't even know if the letter should be found on the senator's body or otherwise. Help, please.

The last two *'s aren't important, so I'll remove them.
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PostSubject: Re: Uber Edit Time =D   Sun Jul 01, 2012 6:04 am

Woohoo, I did good.

Letter. I have no idea. Who would have even sent it? Hmm. The whole Priska station agent sounded like a good idea at first, but I have no idea how we'll make it work out here.
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PostSubject: Re: Uber Edit Time =D   Sun Jul 01, 2012 12:19 pm

Hmmm...

Well, I was about to explain how the Priska network functions, but I've been rethinking it somewhat. Initially it was sender --> letter --> message read at Priska station A --> message relayed to Priska --> Priska relays message to Priska station B --> message rewritten to letter form --> receiver. However, maybe that's not the best way to go about it.

Lemme explain Priskas a bit more. They're these flying critters capable of reading and storing messages relayed to them via a Zen'ji's antennae as well as the electro-radio signature of the individual Zen'ji or location the message is intended for (just like Kawsun plants, but mobile). However, I doubt these tiny animals would be able to locate any individual's signature over the distances we're talking about here nor actually traverse those distances (seeing as the Valiero'ji covers an area about the size of the USA). So, why not replace the letter step with Priskas for short-distance messages and getting a message to the Priska stations and, from there, sending messages to other cities/district centres via the Kawsun network or something similar?

Now I initially wanted the Kawsun network to be a secret messaging system used by the Svia'ji, so I'm not sure if I specifically want to use the Kawsun network. Instead, I imagine a cable-like root plant that can replay information in a manner similar to fiber-optic cables that would link Priska stations with one another and would be lain along highways. Workers a the Priska stations would then simply have to relay the Priskas' messages to these plants.

Priskas could be trained to relay their message to Priska stations if they cannot detect the signature of their target person or location. Citizens could own domesticated Priskas - similar to how magical folk own owls or bats in the Harry Potter universe - that they would purchase at Priska networks to send their messages.

Therefor, letters are pretty much cancelled out... which won't work too well for the letter plan...

So here's my spontaneous proposal: after the senator's death - among others - his mate or perhaps secretary (someone close to him) is questioned for any additional details and mentions that he said he had to meet up with someone in the palace regarding the possibility of a Greyskin rebellion and had received the message via Priska, and their own Priska, suggesting the message didn't come from anywhere in Valdin (which makes little sense if the message was legitimate), but from the Priska station itself, which leads the investigation there. Does that make any sense?


Last edited by TemporalV01D on Mon Jul 02, 2012 12:51 am; edited 1 time in total
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PostSubject: Re: Uber Edit Time =D   Sun Jul 01, 2012 5:32 pm

Aha, that'd make sense. Yes. Neat.
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PostSubject: Re: Uber Edit Time =D   Mon Jul 02, 2012 1:00 am

Right. By the way, do the two part 1 Priantos chapters look as uneven to you as the do to me? The first has the king's return, an overview of Valdin and the Order, the palace servant spy discovery, the Brotherhood's introduction and Lash'irr's arrival. The second has the senator's assassination, the whole Priska station thing, the discovery of the second spy, the aforementioned agent's interrogation, the Quabble finals and second assassination attempt, a few Brotherhood scenes with Lash'irr and the murder of the Priska station agent. As you can see, quite a bit more happens in the second chapter. Should I split part 1 at a different place, then? (I just wanna keep Lash'irr's arrival at the end of Priantos' first chapter, but that can easily be moved.)
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PostSubject: Re: Uber Edit Time =D   Mon Jul 02, 2012 6:11 am

Mmh, you should split part 1 at a different place, me thinks.
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PostSubject: Re: Uber Edit Time =D   Mon Jul 02, 2012 8:44 am

Okay, but where?
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PostSubject: Re: Uber Edit Time =D   Mon Jul 02, 2012 12:39 pm

Oh, eh... Perhaps after the second agents interrogation. I suppose.
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PostSubject: Re: Uber Edit Time =D   Mon Jul 02, 2012 1:03 pm

Or maybe just before. Like, the first chapter ends with the agent being captured alive (and then Lash'irr comes into the story) and the second chapter starts with Priantos being called in to interrogate the agent as he refuses to speak with anyone else. And then the whole Quabble thing happens.
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PostSubject: Re: Uber Edit Time =D   Mon Jul 02, 2012 7:32 pm

Or then, yes.
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PostSubject: Re: Uber Edit Time =D   Tue Jul 03, 2012 3:53 am

I just realized something horrible. I'll probably have to rewrite parts one and two of Priantos' story completely... Can I ask you a huge favour? Would you mind copy-pasting and quoting any parts of Priantos' current story (before they leave for Jin) that act as explainers or that describe locations and such? I'll just drop those pieces of text in where relevant after rewriting, as I'll seriously not be able to remember all of that and delving into the current writing for Priantos is just making me depressed... -________-

I'm going to start it differently also, with Priantos being called to the Order's HQ because of some urgent news. They have received word via Priska (I'll also have to rethink the whole Priska thing again) that an attempt has been made on the king's life. The investigation proceeds from there and the king only returns in the second chapter. This will also give me the opportunity to introduce a new character, Brethin, the crowned prince and high general of the Valiero'ji and stand-in king while his father is away. I came up with Brethin recently and he'll prove to be vital to the plot in Book III and also in the prequel novel, The Slum Boy of Valdin (yeah, I know I'm incapable of coming up with non-lame titles), where he's a childhood friend of Priantos.


Oh and I think I figured out the most economic way for the Priskas to work that also won't make use of than new random fibre-optic cable plant (that's way too Avatar-esque). Priskas will now carry letters again and the only info that can be transmitted to them are the EMR signature of the receiving individual or location and the signature of the sender (though the latter can be left out, while the former is required for the Priska to act). Priskas will be hatched, trained and handled at Priska stations, where letters will be brought to for distribution via Priska (those working at Priska stations would send the animal to the destination, rather than the receiver, where the letter will be delivered to the receiver, based on a name or address (the district name is a given) provided with the letter by the sender). Traveling parties (for example the king on his visit to the Aari'ji) would have their own Priskas for messages to be sent en rout.

Only the Svia'ji use the Kawsun network again. (Spontaneous idea) Or perhaps only the Oijah'ji (which I want to rename Oivah'ji, due to the double-j sounding funky) use the Kawsun network, which opens the possibility of Viera secretly being an Oivah'ji agent!! Shocked Too much?
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