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SPACE_LEMON
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PostSubject: Uber Edit Time =D   Thu Nov 03, 2011 8:36 am

Well, first of all I've re-aranged and grouped the chapters so that there are now only 13 chapters instead of 30, like so:


New Chaper 1: Novusvita: (David/Viera Chapter)
-1: Algol
-2: A New Life Begins

New Chapter 2: The Order of the Arcane: (Priantos/Nash'ir Chapter)
-10: Midnight
-11: The Order of the Arcane
-12: The Need to Investigate
-13: The Assignment

New Chaper 3: Life in Darwin: (David/Viera Chapter)
-3: Day 1
-4: The Bat Cave

New Chapter 4: The Investigation: (Priantos/Nash'ir Chapter)
*Stuff
-15: Ryan South
*Stuff*

New Chapter 5: The Tracker: (David/Viera Chapter)
-5: Tracker
-6: The Search
-7: Natives
-8: Down in the Jungle

New Chapter 6: Agents of Iga: (Priantos/Nash'ir Chapter)
-17: Agents of Iga
-18: Interogation
-19: The Legend of the Jaylen

New Chapter 7: Arrowheads: (David/Viera Chapter)
-9: Arrowheads
-10: Midnight
-12: The Need to Investigate

New Chapter 8: Leaving Valdin: (Priantos/Nash'ir Chapter)
-21: Leaving Valdin
*Stuff*
-22: The Road
*Stuff*

New Chapter 9: The Next Expidition: (David/Viera Chapter)
-14: Plans for Another Journey
-16: The Next Expidition

New Chapter 10: Central Valiero: (Priantos/Nash'ir Chapter)
*Stuff*
-23: Vish

New Chapter 11: Survival: (David/Viera Chapter)
-17: Agents of Iga
-20: Survival
-22: The Road

New Chapter 12: Journey's Last Leg: (Priantos/Nash'ir Chapter)
-24: Nearing the Border
*Stuff*
-25: The Village

New Chapter 13: The Struggle: (David/Viera Chapter)
-26: Ordeal
-27: Heavy Rain
-28: The The Struggle

New Chapter 14: The Ruins of Jin: (Priantos/Nash'ir Chapter)
-26: Ordeal
-29: Jin

New Chapter 15: Day Before Departure: (David/Viera Chapter)
-30: Day before Departure



Anyway, I need brainstorming help with the following:

-How are the new chapters? Got any better ideas for their names? Should order them differently?

-I'm strongly considering splitting the first new chapter, as it's double the length of the second longest chapter. I would then want to add a Priantos-chapter in the gap. Should this be a part of chapter two, the current chapter two (with another Priantos chapter filling the gap somewhere else) or another part of Priantos' plot alltogether?

-Then, I'm thinking about adding a forth character's POV to Priantos' part of the plot and I'm considering Tiard or Na'shir. I'm leaning towards Nash'ir as Tiard's POV would give away too much for the reader and there are certain things surrounding Nash'ir that I don't think I'll be able to squeeze into the second book well. So, what should I do?

-Then, as I obviously changed the timeline a bit, there are time gaps in Priantos' plot that need filling. In other words, I need help thinking of scenes for him (or Nash'ir?) during the time of the investigation in Valdin and his and Tiard's journey to Jin. A lot of things have crossed my mind, including a possible intimate scene between Tiard and Priantos (which technically won't be porn as the Xen'vi lack exterior sex organs), but I'd like to know if there's anything you'd like to see or like me to "show" first (another thing that crossed my mind might be to have Priantos be refered to a church leader in Valdin after not understanding, or something, what he read about in the Library. I could also throw in bits of history, here and there, 'cause I'm not so sure I'll be able to do that well in the other two books).

-Finally, given the opportunity, is there ANYTHING else you would like to see? (I've fixed most of those errors you mentioned earlier, Xeno, as far as I'm aware.)



Oh, and there were quite a few errors on the map of Central and Eastern Cyro'bar I posted earlier (such as the mile scale being shorter instead of longer than the kilometre scale). I've fixed those.


Last edited by TemporalV01D on Sun Nov 06, 2011 7:50 am; edited 1 time in total
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PostSubject: Re: Uber Edit Time =D   Thu Nov 03, 2011 12:12 pm

Oh snap, uber update.

I like the idea of splitting up chapters depending on which part of the story it is following. Adding Nash'ir's POV would be neat too, although it would require more bits of the story to be added. That would be good though, because it would help flesh out their backstory.

I'm not sure of what I think of an intimate scene between Tiard and Priantos. Sounds kind of taboo. I'm not sure I like the idea of homosexual alien pr0nz. Although it technically isn't that... Meh.

I'd like to see more history. History is great. So is more animals, and in more detail. I'd like that as well.

Eh... Going through the book again after more edits to make Wiki articles will be a pain, lol. Oh well.

Is there anything else I can work on so I can take a break from the Wiki article info while still being productive? After 10 chapters it has become a bit repetitive and boring, lol.
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PostSubject: Re: Uber Edit Time =D   Fri Nov 04, 2011 6:06 am

Xeno wrote:
I like the idea of splitting up chapters depending on which part of the story it is following. Adding Nash'ir's POV would be neat too, although it would require more bits of the story to be added. That would be good though, because it would help flesh out their backstory.
Yay. Very Happy

Xeno wrote:
I'm not sure of what I think of an intimate scene between Tiard and Priantos. Sounds kind of taboo. I'm not sure I like the idea of homosexual alien pr0nz. Although it technically isn't that... Meh.
Yeah, I understand. It's just that there's already a sex scene involving Priantos and Nash'ir and, well, it didn't feel like I was writing, well, porn when I wrote it (I've written human porn in somewhat of a dodgy RP I was in at one point, so I know).

It basically comes down to intercourse in Xen'vi basically involving holding hands.

However, I almost thought bringing Priantos and Tiard into a relationship may already have been taking it a bit far, as there are many homophobes and anti-homosexuals in the world so it could bring unfair critisism upon the book and such. Admittedly, if homosexuality wasn't historically a taboo on Earth, this would be considerably easier.

Xeno wrote:
I'd like to see more history. History is great. So is more animals, and in more detail. I'd like that as well.
Awesome! Very Happy I need your help thinking of scenes wherein these things can be implemented, though. (I wish Lichen and Aletrius were here... Frown )

Xeno wrote:
Eh... Going through the book again after more edits to make Wiki articles will be a pain, lol. Oh well.
Don't worry, I'll single out the new bits for you. ^^

Xeno wrote:
Is there anything else I can work on so I can take a break from the Wiki article info while still being productive? After 10 chapters it has become a bit repetitive and boring, lol.
Please help me think of new scenes, especially in Priantos/Nash'ir's storyline. That should be a bit more stimulating than compiling Wiki articles. Smile
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PostSubject: Re: Uber Edit Time =D   Sun Nov 06, 2011 7:53 am

So... Do you think Nash'ir should come in at the new Chapter 2 or the new Chapter 4? (I'd personally like to go with chapter 4, because Viera only comes in at chapter 3.)


Also, I'm thinking of moving the OotA's HQ to the Enforcer's Block (in the top floor, actually), because A) a tunnel running below a bay seems kinda unrealistic and B.) the Enforcer's block is kinda undercrowded at present (and I'm too lazy to change my designs. Which reminds me, I haven't uploaded my concept art of Valdin, Darwin and jin, have I?).
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PostSubject: Re: Uber Edit Time =D   Sun Nov 06, 2011 9:26 am

Chapter 4 for Nash'ir. Makes more sense for Viera to show up first, I think.

Making the base in the Enforcers block would be smart. A tunnel under a bay is quite unrealistic, especially with their level of technology.

And I have not seen the concept art. Please post it. Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: Uber Edit Time =D   Tue Nov 08, 2011 9:20 am

Okay, Chapter 4 it is.

Glad you agree with me. I really have no idea why I did that. It's so... stupid. Neutral

I will! ^^ (As soon as I get my PC back, with is currently at a PC shop after effing itself. I haven't lost any of my data, though. I should get it back before the weekend.)
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PostSubject: Re: Uber Edit Time =D   Tue Nov 08, 2011 12:15 pm

It might have been because having under water tunnels and underground bases are epic.

Hope your computer gets back to you un-effed soon.
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PostSubject: Re: Uber Edit Time =D   Wed Nov 09, 2011 4:48 am

Probably.


Thanks. ^^
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PostSubject: Re: Uber Edit Time =D   Wed Jun 06, 2012 10:14 am

Okay, so uber-edit wave 2 (I don't feel like making yet another thread). Other than changing Book I's chapter structure yet again, making Valdin more epic, changing a whole bunch of names and adding in the TCA (Terran Colonial Authority), I'm also going to be adding quite a bit of background lore, the whole clan thing I wrote about in the new Glossary thread and I'm going to pretty much rewrite the investigation in Valdin.

The latter is what I'm currently busy with. Basically, I find that A) the way the investigation starts is stupid and doesn't fit with the whole "king's sudden return" thing (which sort of just goes absolutely nowhere), B) it relies waaaay too much on luck and C) there are quite a few things I want to add. Right, lemme go into detail:

A) I'm really trying to figure this one out. In the original writing, the king cuts his annual trip to the Valieren allies short after learning of the Iga'ji's invasion of the Jay'ji, then keeps it secret for a few hours to first discuss it with his advisers. I don't like this any more. Yes, he'll still discuss the invasion with his advisers, but there has to be more to it than that. Either something to do with the "Iga Agents" in the city or maybe even the prophecy. Whatever we decide is part of the reason for the king's sudden return, it has to tie the Iga'ji invasion of the Jay'ji with the agents in the city and must be something the king (and/or his company) would've heard of or deduced from something he/they'd experienced on their visit to the Aari'ji. I can't figure out what...

B) Quite simply, no actual investigation takes place. The Order just gets chance witnesses who'd seen individuals that just happen to turn out to be the agents. Firstly, the agents are so totally not going to just be in the Outer City. That makes no sense (how do you spy on a city from outside the city walls? Spying on a city doesn't even make sense!). Thus, I'm going to turn the Brotherhood agents into actual spies. The agents would have to have access to information that would prove useful to the Iga'ji and that they would not be able to obtain as regular citizens. Therefor, I'll have an agent / agent in the City Guard, the Royal Guard, the Enforcers and even the Senate (the latter would probably just be a secretary and not an actual member of the Valieren Senate, though). The final agent before Priantos and Tiard travel to Jin will actually be a member of the Order and the only female. The discovery of her will basically change everything for the investigation. Then there's Tiard, of course.

C) And here we have the things I want to add: a scene where Priantos resorts to an old "friend" - a shopkeeper in the Canal Way (a Riften (think Skyrim)-looking mini-district that tuns along the walls of Valdin's canals) - to help him catch one of the agents that apparently hires sneaks in the Under City to get information for him (a "sneak" is someone hired to spy on someone or covertly witness a meeting or whatever. They're normally poor or orphaned children and are controlled and trained by what's left of the Valieren Thieve's Guild). This first part I want to add will allow for a large amount of connections between the core trilogy of novels and the prequel (The Slum-Boy of Valdin) that I want to write later. Then I also want to make a sweet chase scene through the streets and over the rooftops of the Inner City. There were more, but I can't think of them now.

So, I basically want to come up with a sequence for the investigation, from the king's return to Priantos and Tiard leaving for Jin. The first thing we need to do is solve the problem explained in A).
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PostSubject: Re: Uber Edit Time =D   Thu Jun 07, 2012 11:13 am

Yay for uber edits. I can't help much right now, just wanted to pop in and say that I'm incredibly busy with homework and exams, so I'll only be around on weekends for a while.
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PostSubject: Re: Uber Edit Time =D   Fri Jun 08, 2012 3:40 am

'Tis cool.
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PostSubject: Re: Uber Edit Time =D   Sat Jun 09, 2012 4:53 am

Alright, so A)...

Hmm. I dunno. Maybe some Hunters or whatever they are now tried assassinating him there.
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PostSubject: Re: Uber Edit Time =D   Sat Jun 09, 2012 12:48 pm

Brotherhood of Shjerr'dull. (but with a ^ on the u. ^^)

Sounds good. Perhaps I could make the king's visit to the Aari'ji secret, then. The King perhaps left to discuss a potential war with the Iga'ji with the Aari'ji Monarch, where he learns of the probable Iga'ji invasion of the Jay'ji. As he leaves an attempt is made on his life, showing that someone on the inside must've known of the King's secret visit (heck, the would-be assassin could even be a crew member of the King's ship). I'm probably also gonna cut out Priantos' whole sneaking-through-the-palace scene.


Speaking of which, the palace - and the city itself - looks pretty epic now, methinks. I'll upload pics later (the pics being a new map of Valdin and a remake of the palace). I'm also creating concepts of Valdin on Minecraft. I have the main-street concept and Under City storm-drains down and am currently working on the Catacombs and other Under City bits. I can't wait to get to the canals. Later I'll also do a minor-street concept and concepts of a few notable buildings in the city.
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PostSubject: Re: Uber Edit Time =D   Sun Jun 10, 2012 4:21 am

Oh, an attempt on his life by a crew member would be pretty good.


I look forward to the pics. Huzzah for epicness!
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PostSubject: Re: Uber Edit Time =D   Sun Jun 10, 2012 9:44 am

New Valdin Inner City Layout:

Buildings of interest (not including the Palace) from left to right are:
-Valdin university (four courtyards left of a huge dome; yes, I moved it off the Isle of Leon. Dunno what to put in its place, though)
-Valdin District Municipal Centre (domed building on the main road from the wall east to the palace (which is still in the middle))
-The Enforcer's Block (domed building against the city wall; still where it used to be)
-Parliament (has four small courtyards and is across the canal from the palace)
-Postal Block (just north and to the right of the Parliament building)
-The Senate Dome (across the main road from the Parliament building; it's basically a huge dome with an arena-like interior where politicians discuss politics (think the Senate building on Corussant in the Star Wars prequel trilogy))
-The Quabble Stadium (the Collussium-like building; Quabble is like a fusion of Soccer, Polo, Tennis and Quidditch played with Altari and a super-bouncy head-sized nut that acts as the ball)
-The Grand Theater (south and next to the Quabble Stadium)
-Tayari Plaza Forums (huge oval-shaped space (technically not a building, but an area) where people come together to discuss stuff, make protests, etc.)
-Valdin Grand Hospital (the only interesting building south of the eastern canal)

The market places are still where they used to be.


And this is what the palace looks like now (it's now 450 metres high):

Below the palace is a doodle of the palace gates. The doors would be pulled into the walls by pullies and gears and stuff to open. The large diamond will have the Valieren emblem surrounded by the emblems of each of the 20 provinces, while the bottom smaller diamond (which tops a pillar between the two halves of the door) will only have the Valieren emblem.
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PostSubject: Re: Uber Edit Time =D   Mon Jun 11, 2012 3:13 pm

Quabble sounds like fun. City is looking really epic, and I'm loving the detail.
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PostSubject: Re: Uber Edit Time =D   Tue Jun 12, 2012 1:35 am

Glad you like it! ^^ What about the Palace?


I'm thinking about including Quabble in the book. Priantos would discover a plot for a second assassination attempt on the King. The Order figures that the easiest place to do so would be at the annual Quabble finals in the capitol which the King will be attending, as he'd be pretty much out in the open there. So Priantos would be patrolling possible vantage points for assassination (the Iga'ji have guns) while the game takes place. Not sure exactly how it'll play off, but they'll end up arresting an agent here (the one who gets interrogated in the book. The one who gets chased by David and Priantos from the tavern is now someone else and gets away). This scene will also serve to elaborate on Valieren culture.

If you think "Quabble" sounds stupid and can come up with something else, please do. ^^


Also, the Brotherhood now has their headquarters in the main burial chamber of the Catacombs. When the Order figures this out and goes there, the agents are gone and have broken open Acanthos' sarcophagus and apparently taken something (still deciding what, but I think it would be something like a key for Jin's temple).
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PostSubject: Re: Uber Edit Time =D   Tue Jun 12, 2012 3:15 am

It's pretty awesome as well. 450 meters tall, aw yeah.

Oh my, that sounds like it'd be interesting to read. Gotta love assassinations being foiled during a sports game.

Hmm... I'm not really one for making names. Quabble sounds cool though, although a bit too much like Quaffle.

Grave robbers who use catacombs as their base. Wouldn't expect any different from the Botherhood. Heh, sounds good, but why is he buried with a key?
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PostSubject: Re: Uber Edit Time =D   Tue Jun 12, 2012 7:24 am

One of my friends also mentioned it sounds like "Quibble". Erm...

I don't actually know... Methinks it would have something to do with his history. He would've requested to be buried with it to keep it safe, methinks. Lol, I'm gonna turn the sarcophagus into a safe! Which explains why they'd make the burrial chamber their base. They'd need to spend as much time with it as possible in order to crack the combination...
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PostSubject: Re: Uber Edit Time =D   Tue Jun 12, 2012 11:10 am

Mmh... Might be best to get a new name, then.

Aha! Well, that's smart. Also very neat.
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PostSubject: Re: Uber Edit Time =D   Tue Jun 12, 2012 12:14 pm

I think a few alternatives I came up with were Quash'll, Quottle and Quellor. Almost everyone voted for Quable, though...

And the reason they wouldn't try explosives to break the casket open is because that could cause the chamber to collapse and kill them.

I think the part of the catacombs I've built so far sufficely shows what they're supposed to be like. Now to get to the rest of the Under City...
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PostSubject: Re: Uber Edit Time =D   Wed Jun 13, 2012 5:34 am

Anyway, here are the new-new chapters of Book I: (D = David/Viera chapter; P = Priantos/Lash'ir chapter)

-Prologue (D) Still the same.

Part 1:
-Chapter 1: Darwin (D) From the start of the book to the bat cave part where Viera first comes in.
-Chapter 2: Valdin (P) From the start of the book to the capture of the first agent (that commits suicide). The scene where Lash'ir comes into the story (where she goes over the hill and can see Valdin) is at the end of this chapter.
-Chapter 3: Natives (D) That whole part of Donathan going missing to where they crash in the jungle and David saves Viera and vice versa.
-Chapter 4: Investigation (P) The rest of the investigation including four more agents (minus Tiard and Lash'ir): the one that gets captured and lives (before later being killed by Lash'irr in jail), the one that gets away but fakes his own death (the leader of the agents in Valdin. He's the one who later instructs Priantos to open the temple at Jin) and the would-be assassin of the king at the Quabble (or whatever we'll call it) match. At the end of this chapter they find the opened sarcophagus I mentioned, Priantos and Tiard is instructed to travel to Jin (disguised as travellers/commoners) and Lash'ir leaves Valdin.

Part 2:
-Chapter 5: Arrowhead (D) From where David and company are back at Darwin - with Viera - to that scene in one of the colony diners where David spots a Brotherhood agent outside the window.
-Chapter 6: Omen (P) Tiard and Priantos' journey up to where they reach the slope of the Valieren Highlands. The Valieren highways are going to be considerably more awesome now and there will be wild animal encounters. I also want to add something else, but I dunno what.
-Chapter 7: Excursion (D) The next expedition to where the Brotherhood separates David and (unintentionally) Viera from the rest of the group.
-Chapter 8: Bond (P) From the "Priatos was awoken by whispers" scene to where they reach Vish and "find each other", so to speak. Also want to add more to their journey here.

Part 3:
-Chapter 9: Lost (D) From where David wakes up in the jungle to that scene where David and Viera have a moment beneath the moon and they wake up the next morning holding hands.
-Chapter 10: Close (P) From Vish to the Tita'ji border. I'll have a border post scene as well. Ideas on adding more to the journey here would be appreciated.
-Chapter 11: Survival (D) A few days later when David's arm is in a large amount of pain to, well, the end of their story in the first book.
-Chapter 12: Prophecy (P) Jin. 'Nuff said.

-Epilogue (P) Still the same.
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PostSubject: Re: Uber Edit Time =D   Wed Jun 13, 2012 4:38 pm

Aha, fun. I quite like the D, P, D, P thing.

Heh. "Jin. 'Nuff said." Well put.
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PostSubject: Re: Uber Edit Time =D   Thu Jun 14, 2012 5:00 am

Lol, thanks! MrGreen

I personally love how David and Priantos have an equal amount of chapters now.

By the way, with the last two chapters, David's ends with that whole "Do I love her? Define love" thing and then that "Salvation was a distant hope for me, but distant was exactly where I was", which ties in with the prologue, so it technically makes sense for the book to end here (minus the epilogue), however, Priantos' final chapter is right after this (to fit with the DPDP structure and also because having two days' time between Priantos' last chapter and the epilogue wouldn't make any sense), so do you think I should expand the epilogue and make it start with the David-back-at-Darwin scene(s) to keep the lines mentioned at the start of this paragraph at the end of the book? Personally, though it makes more sense that way, it also makes the book unbalanced again by giving it a way longer epilogue than prologue (unless I move Priantos' Jaylen vision scene to the end of his last chapter and instead have the David-back-at-Darwin scene(s) as the epilogue...). So, what should I do?
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Xeno
Taco Gazelle
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PostSubject: Re: Uber Edit Time =D   Fri Jun 15, 2012 4:27 am

Um... Expand the epilogue and move Priantos' Jaylen thingy around. I like those lines.
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